Just another blog
Archive for May, 2013
May 29th
Last night, when I got home from work, I again, was overcome with emotion; I miss Bobby so desperately. I don’t like being alone and I’ve begun talking to myself…no one hears me, no one responds to me when I do this. I’m isolating to a degree; haven’t checked the voicemail on my phone in 3 to 4 weeks. I haven’t called the last bunch of people whose voicemail I listened to almost a month ago.
The past weekend I was distracted by the celebration of my son’s wedding in Leesburg, VA; but when I got home I was fine at first, busy unpacking, but yesterday was my first day back at work, and AGAIN, the pain started creeping up on me as I drove home. I was fine at first when I got into the house, but as I was noticing myself talking to myself, there was no one listening other than the Lord, who I was crying out to, and no one that responds to my pain, except Christ. I have to learn to walk in total committment to listening to His still small voice. It’s really difficult to quiet my mind and heart so I can enter into the Presence of the Lord…this experience of losing Bobby is stretchin me in so many different ways…one thing I know, if I avoid my feelings it will only prolong the grief process and also it may make me physically sick. The only way out of grief, is TO GO THROUGH IT. This is not a fun thing, but it is a growing experience. One thing I’ve learned is that many people have grief of losing someone they love, but everyone’s process is different and personal; by sharing with others and listening to their experience, I believe it will build a new compassion in my heart for those who are suffering through a loss. The Jason Gray song, Nothing Is Wasted has lyrics that totally apply to me right now. Here’s the link for the YouTube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l26UoD-N2hA
Here are the lyrics to the song:
“Nothing Is Wasted”
The hurt that broke your heart
And left you trembling in the dark
Feeling lost and alone
Will tell you hope’s a lie
But what if every tear you cry
Will seed the ground where joy will grow
And left you trembling in the dark
Feeling lost and alone
Will tell you hope’s a lie
But what if every tear you cry
Will seed the ground where joy will grow
And nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
It’s from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what’s lost will be found again
Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
From the ruins
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine
Glory will shine
Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
[x2]
From the ruins
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine
Glory will shine
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May 28th
Last week, I drove up to Leesburg, VA (with my daughter, Chelsea) for my son’s wedding; it was 40 degrees when I arrived Friday, May 24th, and I had packed shorts and tank tops! I had 2 pairs of long pants, but the day of the wedding it was a beautiful day for a garden wedding. I had so many people telling me what a wonderful young man Evan is, which is always nice to hear. I love my new daughter-in-law, they are very well suited for each other. I drove home alone, leaving at around 6 pm the day of the wedding. I arrived in North Carolina around 11 pm, woke up the following morning (Sunday, the 26th) at 10:30 am and headed home. Arrived Monday morning (the 27th) at 5:30 am. I had such a wonderful, bittersweet time…missed Bobby a lot; we were supposed to go together. My daughter’s husband wasn’t able to go either; he is underway with the Coast Guard for 3 months.
Strange thing happend on my way home from North Carolina; I was driving at night and I was the only car going my direction. It was really dark and I had slowed my speed down. Suddenly I saw 2 deer on the side of the road, I prayed that they wouldn’t jump in front of my car, which they didn’t do, thank God. But, further on, in my lane were an armadillo AND a possum. I had no time to swerve to avoid them…thunk, thunk…I hit them both 
I think that the armadillo had already been hit and the possum was feeding on the carcass, either that or they were ‘friends’. I felt horrible that I hit them, took me a while to shake that feeling off.
Once I download the pictures from my camera, I might post a picture or two here on my blog.
Today, I’m back at work; was really looking forward to returning. The problem is, I only got about 2 or 3 hours sleep. I had difficulty falling asleep, I was really restless for some reason. Now I’m kinda ‘droopy/sleepy’, but I’ll be okay. I’ve still got some ‘junk’ to put away from the trip, but other than those few papers, I’m ‘settled’ back in to being home.
So very happy and blessed with the new Mr. and Mrs. Evan Pelletier!
May 20th
Tomorrow my daughter arrives from California and then we’ll be starting our road trip to Virginia for my son’s wedding on the 25th. Nice diversion for my pain for the time being. I’m going to bask in the love of my family this weekend! I have 2 additional kids now that both mine will be married…got an awesome new son and an amazing new daughter! Plus, Bobby’s daughter is a new daughter to me, and her husband is a new son!
Life is good because I have Jesus…He is my source and my Fountain.
Wednesday we’ll be at Bobby’s daughter’s home to spend the night and play with the girls a bit! My daughter has never met the 3 little maidens all in a row. Being positive about everything this weekend…still have a ton of things to do…should be packing right now, but I took a short break and checked my email…email led to my blog, hence the update…ciao for now, got to get packing; the clock just struck 12 am (Tuesday morning!!! aagghh!). Breathe Amy, breathe!
May 7th
Today is May 7th…Bobby’s been gone 3 months now and I am still having GREAT difficulties just being in our house alone, still crying a lot. I don’t know if I’ve yet accepted his death; I want to be free from this pain, but the only way to ‘get over it’ is to ‘go through it’. Grieving has some interesting affects on me besides the emotional and physical pain. It has been shaping my life without Bobby, God has something in store for me…I just haven’t had clarity on what yet…too close to Bobby’s death. I’ll find out ‘somewhere down the road’ like Amy Grant’s song:
Somewhere Down the Road
So much pain and no good reason why
You’ve cried until the tears run dry
And nothing else can make you understand
The one thing that you held so dear
Is slipping from your hand
And you sayWhy, why, why
Does it go this way
Why, why, why
And all I can say
You’ve cried until the tears run dry
And nothing else can make you understand
The one thing that you held so dear
Is slipping from your hand
And you sayWhy, why, why
Does it go this way
Why, why, why
And all I can say
Somewhere down the road
There’ll be answers to the questions
Somewhere down the road
Tho’ we cannot see it now
And somewhere down the road
You will find mighty arms reaching for you
And they will hold the answers at the end of the road
Yesterday I thought I’d seen it all
I thought I’d climbed the highest wall
Now I see the learning never ends
And all I know to do is keep on walking
Walking ’round the bend singing
Why, why, why
Does it go this way
Why, why, why
And all I can say
Somewhere down the road
There’ll be answers to the questions
Somewhere down the road
Tho’ we cannot see it now
And somewhere down the road
You will find mighty arms reaching for you
And they will hold the answers at the end of the road.
There’ll be answers to the questions
Somewhere down the road
Tho’ we cannot see it now
And somewhere down the road
You will find mighty arms reaching for you
And they will hold the answers at the end of the road.
So, today, I will try and focus on Jesus and listen for His still, small voice. This is all I can do to help change my heart and mind. I want to help my students…I get a lot of love and support from everyone here at Remington, teachers AND students. Lord, I need Your peace.