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2.18.2018

I just cleared out 11,000 plus spam comments. I have not posted anything in years…I’m out of the slump of grief from losing my grandson, my husband, my mother, my step-father, and my step-brother. We are all born to eventually die, but it’s never on our time clock. God is the ultimate time keeper for each of our lives while we are here on planet earth. Father God has gotten me through these past few years of pain, well, in fact, He’s held me throughout my 62 years on this planet…God is good!

This past Sunday, November 3rd, marked 9-months since Bobby’s death. That is difficult to write, Bobby’s death. It was so unexpected, without warning like others who’ve been struggling with a terminal illness.

Bobby’s terminal illness was his addictions. He constantly was bound by this theif of his heart, mind, soul, and body. I’ve forgiven him of this long ago; who I am directing my anger towards is not him, not God, but Adam and Eve and their disobedience to God’s request. By choosing to disobey and eat the fruit of the forbidden tree, they ushered in the fact that we all will die. God never meant for us to succumb to this enemy; His plan was to create man in His image, but by blessing us with free will, we chose to dishonor Him in all our ways.

Death is the only certainty in this life we’ve been given. We are but a breath, a blink of an eye, fading flowers, falling stars. His word says to count our days and use them wisely. Our flesh is so prone to wander from His intents for us to be blessed above and beyond our wildest dreams. But He had a plan…He sent His only Son to Earth to fulfill this plan. He never gave up on man although at times He was sorry He created us because of our evil hearts. He gave us the most incredible gift, all we have to do is accept the gift of atonement through the shed blood of Jesus on the cross. His blood, incredibly, washes us CLEAN AS SNOW! Blood naturally stains and is difficult to remove from wherever it touches, yet He used it to wash us of our sin.

So, because of this gift, and Bobby’s acceptance of the free gift of salvation, he now is in the presence of his Savior, Jesus Christ. He’s free from pain and the addictions, which had him bound and subservient to the cravings. Thank you Lord for bringing him into my life. I truly never gave up on him, no matter what he did. I constantly forgave him and loved him…I think that I chose to never give up on him because I had been abandoned twice by men who married me, supposedly to live our lives together until death separated us. Bobby was the only one to date that was with me until we were separated because he had taken his last breath on this Earth and was instantly transformed and shed the body that imprisoned him for his 62 years on Earth.

Lord, did he know how much I loved him? Did he know how much I depended on him? Did he know how much I appreciated who he was? I certainly hope so. Lord, please bring me to a place of peace with the loss of the love of my life. Now I need to truly depend on You for sustaining my life here on Earth, though daily, I long to be with you and no longer of this world. Because of this hope, I say with all my heart, “Come quickly Lord Jesus”.

Help me to never forget that You are my Source, my Strength, my Savior and Redeemer. Guide me into Your perfect will for my remaining days here on Earth…COME QUICKLY LORD JESUS! Amen

Well…it’s been 8 months since Bobby died. Still never know when I’ll get tripped and the tears flow. I’m dreading this, but I have to do it…I’ve got to go to Home Depot to get some things to fix the house. Bobby was ALWAYS with me when I went there. The last time I was there, alone, I walked up and down the aisles with tears flowing down my face.

On a lighter note, my sister Sally arrived Tuesday from Plainview, TX. She’s come to basically say goodbye to Momma. Momma is 85 pounds at the moment. She’s dying because of Alzheimer’s. Sally came with a one-way ticket after borrowing some money from a friend. Don’t know if Pops will pay for her return flight. Anyway, I’ll enjoy the time we have while she’s here. The next time I’ll see her is when she comes (hopefully with the entire family) is for Momma’s funeral. I guess this really isn’t ‘a lighter note’.

I never, ever thought that Bobby would go to be with Jesus before Momma; she has a birthday coming up on November 28th, she’ll be 86 if she makes it. Right now, her weight is the same as her age, 85 and 85 lbs. 

I just uploaded a picture from Evan & Lynn’s wedding; I hope you can see it because I’m not real sure how to do this…

Yesterday was 4 months that Bobbby has been gone, still feel the pain as if it were yesterday. I’m working on getting into a group at church called Widow2Widow; have high expectations that talking with others who have lost a husband, etc. Gail C. contacted me by phone and wanted me to come to the Sunday service (11 am) because the ladies meet after church. I told her that I go to the Saturday night service, which allows me to sleep in a bit on Sundays.

Haven’t begun the exercises that Nikki gave me for my knee…gotta get motivated to do this. Knee pain comes and goes, some days it’s annoyingly painful, other days, not so much.

Still finding the evenings to be the most painful part of my day; coming home from work to just my 2 cats is unacceptable to me. I don’t think I’ve accepted Bobby’s death yet. The ache in my heart is continuous, but it’s hightened when I come home to a virtually empty house, no Bobby to kiss on, talk with, partner with on projects, or just to sit and watch TV together. I was so comfortable with you, Bobby, just to sit and be silent in each other’s presence…I lost my need to constantly talk. You’re still my best friend…I’ve taken to talking to myself when I’m at home…this really bothers me. Mostly because there is no one except the Lord who hears me.

I’ve been trying to surrender to God’s plan for my life, but my ‘need for control’ gets in my way. I want to know ahead of time where Jesus is leading me. Trusting that His plan for me is perfect is difficult because of the ache in my soul for Bobby. Sometimes I talk to Bobby, not knowing if he can hear me. I don’t think there is anything in the Bible that says that once we’ve passed from this life into eternity that we can ‘watch’ those who are left behind on Earth. I haven’t researched this enough. It would be a comfort to know that he can/could hear me. So many people talk about ‘Bobby being with me’ as if he hovers around me…seriously, I don’t believe this. I believe that this is a lie in an attempt to comfort those who are mourning the loss of a soulmate.

More later…got to get to work!