Just another blog
Archive for April, 2013
I feel lost without you…
Apr 16th
On February 3rd, 2013, I woke up that morning, but Bobby didn’t; he died sometime between 7 am and 11 am. This totally put me in a state of shock…totally unexpected. He had just celebrated his 62nd birthday and our 18th-year anniversary together. He was so good for me and good to me; I love him with all my heart and now my heart has a gaping hole in it. I realized that I don’t know who I am without him in my life. The grief that has ‘taken me captive’ hurts so deeply and thoroughly that I cannot control when I’m about to begin crying.
Every day at work, as 7:00 pm approaches, I start dreading the ride home to an empty house. I often begin crying just before I leave work or as I get on the Howard Franklin bridge. I’ve never experienced the deep sobbing that I’ve been displaying…I was too young when Daddy died to have this depth of pain.
Bobby, you were my lover, best friend, loyal ‘husband’, and you completed me. You gave me strength when I was freaking out; you always called me a wimp, and I guess I am. I wonder…can you see me in my grief? Can you see me at all from where you are in the presence of Jesus? I still talk to you every night. I don’t think I’ve accepted that you’re gone yet…I know this, that I DON’T want to be alone…when I told Dr. Kowalski that, “All I want is for him to be out of pain…” I had no idea that God would choose to heal you by taking you home. I MISS YOU SOOOOOO MUCH! At least I know that you’re out of pain that has dogged you since 2010 with your first cervical surgery and, you’re with J.J. and Justin. One day, I’ll be with you again…
Apr 8th
Well, it’s been two months now since Bobby died; I haven’t kept up with anything lately. My heart is broken and feels like I’ll never be okay again. Woke up Sunday, February 3rd and Bobby had died in his sleep. We had gone to the neurologist’s on Friday, February 1st and he was to be scheduled for his 4th or 5th spine surgery in the following two weeks, but he didn’t make it. The last thing that I said to Dr. Kowalski was, “All I want is for him to be free from pain.” Didn’t think that the Lord would take him home in order to free him from the excruciating pain he’s been in since 2010 when his spinal surgeries began.
I think he had pneumonia and sleep apnea from the Vicodin that was prescribed. His face looked peaceful, no pain. He had just celebrated his 62nd birthday and our 18th anniversary on January 4th, 2013.
Loralee had to take care of all of his final paperwork, etc. since we were not ‘legally’ married. I felt so bad about this because she just lost her only son on October 17th, 2012; J. J. was only 8 1/2 months old, now her Daddy’s gone. I wish we would have made a will…don’t want to write any more right now…I’m so very, very sad.