Yesterday was 4 months that Bobbby has been gone, still feel the pain as if it were yesterday. I’m working on getting into a group at church called Widow2Widow; have high expectations that talking with others who have lost a husband, etc. Gail C. contacted me by phone and wanted me to come to the Sunday service (11 am) because the ladies meet after church. I told her that I go to the Saturday night service, which allows me to sleep in a bit on Sundays.

Haven’t begun the exercises that Nikki gave me for my knee…gotta get motivated to do this. Knee pain comes and goes, some days it’s annoyingly painful, other days, not so much.

Still finding the evenings to be the most painful part of my day; coming home from work to just my 2 cats is unacceptable to me. I don’t think I’ve accepted Bobby’s death yet. The ache in my heart is continuous, but it’s hightened when I come home to a virtually empty house, no Bobby to kiss on, talk with, partner with on projects, or just to sit and watch TV together. I was so comfortable with you, Bobby, just to sit and be silent in each other’s presence…I lost my need to constantly talk. You’re still my best friend…I’ve taken to talking to myself when I’m at home…this really bothers me. Mostly because there is no one except the Lord who hears me.

I’ve been trying to surrender to God’s plan for my life, but my ‘need for control’ gets in my way. I want to know ahead of time where Jesus is leading me. Trusting that His plan for me is perfect is difficult because of the ache in my soul for Bobby. Sometimes I talk to Bobby, not knowing if he can hear me. I don’t think there is anything in the Bible that says that once we’ve passed from this life into eternity that we can ‘watch’ those who are left behind on Earth. I haven’t researched this enough. It would be a comfort to know that he can/could hear me. So many people talk about ‘Bobby being with me’ as if he hovers around me…seriously, I don’t believe this. I believe that this is a lie in an attempt to comfort those who are mourning the loss of a soulmate.

More later…got to get to work!